The last few months of my life have been very trying. About two months ago, my wife made the announcement that she was leaving me to go live with her son and his family in Florida. Arrangements had already been made and her airline tickets had been purchased for a flight on October 12th.
In the meantime she continued to make preparations like packing, opening a new bank account and transferring her SS out of our joint account and contacting her primary care physician and changing her prescriptions to a CVS in Florida. Needless to say, we had very little communication during this period. There was a great deal of acrimonious debate and although we still had to live under the same roof, we were more like angry strangers.
The reason that she gave for wanting to leave me was that she wanted to live in an environment where she would be loved and accepted and secure. My crossdressing, other than it took away from funds that could have been spent on other things, was not a major issue. Our relationship had been deteriorating for years, long before she found out about my crossdressing, and an eventual separation was inevitable. We sometimes joked that the only thing that was keeping us together was poverty.
It’s only natural to harbor many dark thoughts when one finds themselves in a situation that is totally negative and filled with much bitterness. What happens most often is that the love that once was shared can turn into hatred which in turn can be self-destructive.
There was many a night when sleep would not come easily and I questioned my lifestyle as a crossdresser. Now I have been dressing for so long in my life, that all the answers should have come to me easily. Still, ” The Urge to Purge” would cross my mind. It also happened to me when I did not have the opportunity to dress as Rita for an extended period.
Maybe “crossdressing” is self-destructive. I already know that it is “progressive” in that once you achieve a goal like going out in public dressed en femme, you cannot regress. I also know that it can be an expensive “pastime” and part of being a woman is to love to shop. I am also aware that crossdressing consumes a great portion of my life. It means living a lonely life at times. As a crossdresser, I tend to shun friendships with people who would not understand this need that I have because I harbor this “secret life” . It also puts a strain on family and friends who do know about it and although are they are tolerant, can never be expected to be fully supportive. In other words, I would come up with a whole list of reasons why I should give up crossdressing. There were many nights that I fell asleep thinking that maybe I was just getting too old and that it was time to give it all up.
Luckily, in the light of day, my perspective would change. I would look at my closet and my bureau drawers and under the bed and make a quick assessment of the value of my “feminine inventory” and realize that if I were ever so foolish as to purge, I could never, ever replace my wardrobe, my makeup, my jewelry, in fact everything. Most of all, I realized that the times that I spent as” Rita” were also the happiest times for me. I also remembered that famous line from “La Cage”. . . .”I am what I am” and that I could be worse.
I believe that it happens or maybe it has already happened to all of us at one time or another. I think it probably happens more often to crossdressers than girls who are in transition, and more often yet to those who are married and have a family. It’s understandable. All of us who are married and have jobs and family are under a great deal of stress, especially if we are trying to keep our femme lives a secret, but I can tell you one thing. . .purging is not the answer. Don’t do it.
There are no easy solutions. Sometimes it feels like we are fighting logic, and maybe we are. Sometimes it feels like we are not normal, and we’re not. . .we are special. So I don’t lose sight of “who” I am, I always carry a picture of “Rita” in my wallet. I think that it is a very good picture of her and when I look at her, I see a happy person at peace with herself.
So, what I have learned is that you never make decisions based on “night thoughts”. If you get the “Urge to Purge” give it some time. More often than not, you will find that sooner than later the “Urge to Purge” will be replaced the “Need to Dress”. If you absolutely feel that you must purge for whatever reason, put your feminine items in storage or have a friend keep them for you.
Take it from someone who has been there. It will save you a lot of money!!!!
We are who we are and that is a wonderful gift. So let’s enjoy our gift and be happy.