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Keynote Central

Keynote Central contains keynote speaches from transgender speakers and allies given at TCNE’s First Event Transgender Conference and other conferences, rallies and gatherings.  Keynotes can be moving, funny and uplifting and Tiffany Club’s Rosebud On-Line feature, “Keynote Central” is meant to bring you some of those talks in word, podcast or video. (speakers podium graphic courtesy of Joe Hardy’s Photo’s)

January 24, 2010:  Mona Rae Mason Fantasia Fair 2009 Keynote: “The Coming Out Party is Over.  Where Do We Go From Here”

Mona Rae Mason
Keynote Address
Fantasia Fair
October 24, 2009
Provincetown, MA

For Loubriella

Good afternoon, everyone. My name is Mona Rae Mason. Just so you have an idea of my background, I’m from New York City, where I recently completed work on an NIH funded study of the male to female population in the NY Metro area. It was a 5 year, longitudinal study, with almost 600 volunteer transgender participants. That’s a huge number for this type of study, and The Transgender Project to date stands as the most in-depth and complex study of it’s kind.

600 transwomen. Not an easy task recruiting 600 transgender volunteers—just think of how much trouble it is getting any two or three girls to agree on what club to go to, or what time, or what to wear and you’ll have an idea. It was much akin to herding cats! But we got it done, and collected some really incredible data about our community. And it was the most personally rewarding work I have ever done.

I’m also on the Bd. of Dir. of Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund, and participate as often as possible on various committees of Transgender Health Initiative New York. I am also on the Community Advisory Board of Callen-Lorde Community Clinic, which is the LGBT health clinic in NYC.

Last year I was invited by the NYPD to help in the re-writing of the training manual for the NYPD Police Academy on matters pertaining to transgender. A major step by the NYPD in transgender awareness and sensitivity training, and I am very proud to have been asked to participate in that effort.

And as my pet project and labor of love, I’ve also organized several food and clothing drives to benefit homeless transgender kids in NYC. It’s something that I am extremely concerned about.

And just for the record—I am not gender dysphoric, I am gender euphoric. And I do not have a gender identity disorder. Society has a gender identity disorder!

Ok, enough about me. I came here talk about all of us—me, all our sisters and brothers, and especially you.

I have heard, as I am sure you have, people speak of ‘the transgender phenomenon’.

Well.

TRANSGENDER IS NOT A PHENOMENON!

What IS a phenomenon is the enormous upsurge in our public presence and presentation, especially in western countries. We’ve been having a HUGE coming out party for the past 10 – 15 years or so. I believe that in large part the internet has had much to do with that. Communication has and always will be the key. Maybe some of you are old enough to recall the old underground tabloid type papers with classifieds ads? That was about the only real communication between and amongst ourselves that was available at the time, not so many years ago.

We are of all races and ethnicities, all cultures, countries and societies. We come in all shapes and sizes. We come from all walks of life. We are an incredibly diverse community. And we are OUT! Out in the streets, out at work, out in the clubs and restaurants. We are OUT IN PUBLIC and not in the closet anymore!

In my work with The Transgender Project, we interviewed 600 male to female transgender women from the NYC metro area, and it was my great privilege to meet so many sisters that I am very certain I would never have met in a million years otherwise.

I suggest ‘never have met’ because we, as human beings, tend to stay in our social ‘comfort zones’. It’s basic human nature to do so—you socialize with people much like yourself, of your own age and background, in rather tightly circumscribed social settings, and we tend not to leave these social comfort zones—at least not very often. I was most fortunate to have been allowed to cross over many of these social boundaries, meet with various subgroups of transgender women from different economic, cultural, generational and ethnic backgrounds, and I was welcomed in all. I stand in absolute awe of our diversity, and I say again, what a truly great privilege the past few years have been for me to have met so many wonderful sisters and brothers.

I have met and gotten to know some transgender women who have PhD’s, and Masters degrees; and some with very little or almost no formal education at all. I have interviewed transgender women who are plumbers, professors, a NYPD detective, construction workers, accountants, musicians, lawyers, a major university president, a published author, a law professor, a West Point Cadet, and even one who is a monk.

I have met sisters who have transitioned successfully at home and in the workplace, and some who have lost everything– family, friends, and income as a result of their transition.

And I have also met with sisters who have never had a job, and in all probability may never be able to secure a steady a job, or a job at all for that matter, and are forced to engage in sex work, prostitution, as their only option to survival.

I have discussed and shared experiences with transgender women who have found support and acceptance from family, and others who have been both verbally and physically abused, and in some cases, sexually abused—usually followed by being expelled from the home altogether.

This is the next generation of our transgender sisters and brothers, I am talking about. These are our kids, our family, being thrown out of the home and placed in harms way in the streets—because they are different, because they didn’t meet their parent’s expectations of what a boy or girl is.

Let me take you back, a little bit.

There was one young girl, a transwoman. 20 years old as I recall. For reasons I’ll explain in a bit, let’s just call her Vanessa..

Vanessa was one of the sweetest, kindest girls I had ever met. She certainly had her own share of problems, yet was always concerned about others. She was about 5’2”, very slim and very attractive—some of us older women here would call her a natural. She found us one day, just showed up, she was not recruited.

While Vanessa was more of a lady than I, or many of us, can ever hope to be, she also had a dark side. She too, had been kicked out of her family’s home-because she was different. She had been living, quite literally, on the streets of NYC since she was 15. Anyone who really knows NYC is all too well aware that it can be a very hard and cruel place. She had left school because of all the constant and persistent harassment she got there.

She never had a watch. She never kept a calendar or date book. She had no phone—not even one of those pay as you go, disposable cell phones. She never had a permanent address or even a mailing address, yet she always showed up-on time-for her follow up interview appointments.

Somewhere in the years before I met her, she had been introduced to street drugs. She used them as a coping mechanism, in some sort of futile attempt to help relieve her sadness and depression. She had been using heroin for awhile before I met her. Vanessa would, from time to time, just come by the office very early in the morning, usually after being out, working the strolls all night I would always give her something to eat and find a place for her to take a ‘nap’. She was just that kind of person, one you never felt put upon by helping out. She was, in every sense of the word, a sweetheart.

One Friday, my research partner Monica asks me if I have seen Vanessa, as she is over due for her next appointment. We both decided that she would show up sooner or later, and sure enough, there she was, bright and very early the following Monday morning, with her wonderful little smile, but looking a bit worse for wear.

Seems Vanessa had just gotten out of Rikers that morning. She had done 60 days for boosting. I said, “Baby, judges take a very dim view of stealing shit”. Vanessa responded with her little smile and said, “Yeah, I found that out”.

We talked for a bit, I let her sleep for awhile. She told me she felt pretty good as she hadn’t done any drugs while in jail—which surprised me as many people tell me the BEST drugs are found in jail. But she had a little sparkle in her eyes, and they were clear, and I believed her. 60 days clean! We talked about the show she wanted to do, she was working on an act for the clubs that she was very excited about. She left me that Monday morning with a smile and big hug. She was on her way to meet someone else who was interested in getting this show running. I was happy for her, and most importantly, she was happy for herself. She had some real confidence in herself for a change. As a reminder, I gave her my business card with her next appointment and her study ID number, which is something I did for all the girls in the study.

Tuesday evening I got a call from the office; a N.Y.C. detective wanted to talk to me. I called the detective from home, and he explained that they had found a young transwoman dead in Morningside Park, and the only ID of any kind she had was my business card. He told me there was a date and number written on the card. I told him I didn’t keep any files at home as all our work was highly confidential, and could I call him in the morning from my office?

I got to the office at 7 the next morning, and immediately called the detective. He described the person and told me the number on the card. I scrolled down the list on the computer and ………..

Oh fuck.

I started to cry.

I suppose I ‘bent’ some of the rules of research confidentiality that day. I explained the complexity and extremely serious nature of research subject confidentiality to the detective, and that these rules apply even after death. I gave the detective her non-legal, ‘adopted name’ and told him that I thought her mother was alive, but I did not know where. We talked for some time, both of us dancing, verbal sparing, and tip-toeing around the issues of confidentiality. At some point, we both agreed that if he checked into recent prisoner releases at Riker’s Island, he may find some information there. He thanked me. He also said he was very sorry for my loss.

About 2, maybe 3 hours later the phone rings, it’s the detective again. Can I do him a favor? Could I go to the coroner’s office and ID the body?

What?

He explained that he had contacted Vanessa’s mother, but she was ‘too busy’ to drive to NYC from Phil. The only other family member in NY was a cousin, who told the detective, “I don’t want nothin’ to do with that little faggot.” I asked and the detective confirmed that that is what they had said, exactly.

“Too busy”, “that little faggot”

So, here I am, on my way to the coroner’s office. This was turning into an absolutely stellar day! When I saw Vanessa, I could clearly see that she had been punched, or hit with something, in the mouth. The coroner explained that she had been found in a ladies room at the park, and she had overdosed.

Vanessa had been beaten, and she ran to the only comfort and escape she had ever really known. Her drug accepted Vanessa for who she was, her family did not. “Too busy” “that little faggot” Because she was different.

For only a very few of us, being transgender has not been too calamitous an issue. But for many of us however, it’s a constant ‘life negotiation’, and sadly for others, being transgender makes life an ever-constant struggle for their very existence.

I am sure you will agree that public awareness of transgender people has never before in history been greater than it is right now. And yet how we are perceived by the vast majority of society, and even our own families, is all too far from the truth. And the family, seemingly, should be a persons most important support network We’ve been analyzed, pathologized, typologized, dichotomized, marginalized, stigmatized, trivialized, sensationalized, and even Jerry Springerized—and STILL people don’t get it.

How did this happen? Why can’t we just be accepted for who we are? Whose fault is this? Maybe our own? Maybe we should all go back and come out all over again, because it seems we really did a bad job of it, at least as far as societal perceptions are concerned.

Coming out – The Great Leap of Faith! For many of us, it’s that point in time where we say to ourselves, as I did, “I’m just too old to have to worry about what others may think. I have paid my dues!” Or, “I need to see where this takes me. I need to live my dream. I need to be true to myself.”

And we all go about our ‘coming out’ in many different, and often rather unique ways. Maybe you waited—until the safety of nightfall, of course—got yourself dressed to the nines in all your finest, and with all the courage you could muster, snuck out to the car and took a drive—in the dark. How bold of you! Hey, I know, I confess, I did it too. A baby step, but a step nonetheless.

Or maybe you located a transgender support group. You thought about going, but decided to wait for the next monthly meeting. And of course, after agonizing about, 3 or 4 months, or even 3 or 4 years, you finally went. Or maybe you heard about a club where a lot of ‘t-girls’ go and just sort of dropped in one night to check it out, all the while praying no one there would recognize you. Hey, I understand, I did all that myself!

And most of us take a few baby steps, testing the waters in many different ways, until we reach that point where hiding who we are is no longer an option. And you know full well you can’t wait for the next Halloween to role around, because that’s not really who you are and what you wear is no costume. And you know you MUST meet others like yourself. You NEED that validation and acceptance from your peers—‘because you’re not getting it anywhere else. And so, you finally push yourself out the closet door and get out into fresh air of disclosure.

I remember my coming out night. September 25, 1999. I was going to make it a real party! I found a makeup person who had worked with some other transwomen. I found a photographer who was sympathetic to the cause—because God knows we MUST have our pictures! It’s an unwritten law isn’t it? You can’t be transgender if you don’t have pictures?

At the salon I got dressed, got my nails and makeup done. I was so incredibly nervous, but I took a step outside to have a cigarette and I caught my reflection in the shop window. Hey, I look pretty good! And as I stood there in the cool, fresh air, I could quite literally feel the weight coming off my shoulders. All the years and weight of collected angst and guilt, the shame and embarrassment, the self doubt, were all leaving! I knew right then and there– I was where I was supposed to be and I was who I was meant to be. It was an awesome night! That was 10 years ago, and I’ve never looked back.

And so it was, I started up on the party circuit. Always meeting other transwomen, getting to know them, and of course, partying! Now don’t get me wrong, no one loves a good time more than I, but I soon realized that there was more, much more, to being a transgender person than going out and carrying on. After all, there’s a LOT of serious shopping that needs to be done. But seriously, I watched as other girls tried to go fulltime. Or come out at work, or even just come out to friends and family, and I saw so many who were having disastrous results. And as I expanded my social network, as I talked about earlier, I discovered our young transpeople, our transgender kids, and younger trans brothers and sisters. And certainly not to make light of anyone here who has had little or no acceptance for being transgender, and has faced scorn and abuse, let me just say that these kids have it many, many times worse.

These young ones I talk about; the kids like Vanessa– they are the ones who came out very early in life and went to live the dream. The dream of just being able to be who they really are, and they pay a heavy, heavy price. And not that we all don’t, regardless of age, but the effects on these young ones is most often devastating, and depression, major depression , soon becomes evident.

In the Transgender Project, we saw that 78.1% of us had reported transgender related psychological abuse and harassment, and 50.1% reported actual transgender related physical abuse at some point in their lives. And during adolescence, it’s the parents or other family members who are primarily responsible of delivering both these types of abuse.

Is it any wonder then, that in this study, The Transgender Project, the lifetime rate of major depression was 54.3%, which is THREE TIMES HIGHER than the corresponding estimate for the general population?

Is it any wonder then, that in this same group, suicide ideation was at 53.3%, again, THREE TIMES HIGHER than the rest of the nation? Half of us sitting here have thought about suicide as the answer!

And is it really a surprise when actual suicide plans and attempts measured at 35.0% in the younger half of this group, and 27.9% in the older half. And that my friends, is SEVEN TO TEN TIMES HIGHER than the National Comorbidity Survey estimates.

With no or precious little family or societal acceptance, and facing almost constant verbal and physical abuse, we are wasting ourselves-offing ourselves- cashing our own checks-killing ourselves– at a rate that is 7-10 times higher than the rest of our country!

And if we’re not killing ourselves, we are being beaten and murdered. And so many of our younger sisters are forced to prostitute themselves to survive, and homeless rates of transkids are sky high. And we see HIV+ rates at 48 and 49% in the Black and Latina transgender communities, respectively. And we all face discrimination every minute of everyday,

But what is really important, the key and vital issue, the burning question of the day, and all anyone can seriously worry about is— which bathroom am I’m going to use?

And so here we are. Out. Out at last! We are out in incredible numbers with more of us coming out all the time. And societal awareness of transgender has never in history been greater than it is right now, but the perceptions of us are ALL WRONG.

Earlier I asked if maybe this was our own fault and frankly, I think in large part perhaps it is.

When you consider just how many of us there are, all the thousands and thousands of transgender people out there, why is it only a relative handful are politically involved? Why is it only a very few of us actively try to correct the horrible, negative perceptions of non-transgender people?

And so where do we go from here? How can we, individually and collectively, begin to educate and demonstrate that we are not the bathroom predators, invaders, and sex monsters many see us as? Or the ‘for a good time, call’ party girls we are often seen as?

Let me toss out a few ideas here.

Our Community of Women
Our Breasts
Our Family of Transgender Kids

Our Community of Women:
We want to be women, or at least as much like women as we can be. Let’s take up some women’s issues.

We have all suffered some verbal abuse and many of us here have endured physical abuse as well. In almost every area of this country, there are women’s shelters for women who have also suffered physical abuse—abuse so bad they had to leave their homes, often with children in tow. These women and their children need help. Why not start up a food and clothing drive for them? We all have clothes we never wear, or you can collect them, and there are women and kids who need them desperately. It’s a good thing to do no matter who you are, but as a transgender person making this donation and taking the time and making the effort, its all the more memorable and notable. And if you really want to make a positive statement, notify the local papers. We make for great press and photo ops —let’s make it positive press for a change.

Our Breasts:

How many of you here are taking hormones? Breast cancer. Hey, we wanted them, we’re growing them, let’s take care of them. And let’s start to join in the numerous ‘walks’ to raise money for breast cancer research and cures. Avon Corp., for one, sponsors breast cancer marches all over the country. MARCH! And you can talk and teach while you are doing so. And don’t be surprised if you make a lot of new friends along the way.

Our Family of Transgender Kids:

This is very important. In most if not all of our home communities, is our alarmingly large population of homeless transgender kids-the Vanessa’s of our community. Many are unseen and unknown, and let me tell you, they are desperate for our help. In New York, where I am from, there is a shelter for homeless and runaway LGBT kids called Sylvia’s Place. It is ‘shelter’ in its most basic definition. Located in the basement of a storefront church in a horrible area of the city, as many as 40 kids gather in about 800 square feet and sleep on a concrete floor. There is one toilet. A single shower sometimes works as does this thing they call a stove. They eat whatever may be available, and hope for clothing donations for something to wear.

These are our kids I am talking about, our transgender kids. The next generation of transgender. My kids and yours. This is our family. We cannot and must not let our young brothers and sisters go by the wayside and left forgotten.

Over the past couple of years, I organized and promoted several food and clothing drives for the kids at Sylvia’s, but it wasn’t enough. So this past Christmas, I told my wife and family that I was going to make Christmas dinner for these kids and wouldn’t be home Christmas day. I just wanted to show these kids that someone cared.

Now, maybe my family was glad to have me gone for the day, I’m not sure, but I was really surprised by the positive reaction I got. Some in laws even made food donations! I coerced a few friends into helping and I started pre cooking and prepping what I could a few days before. My poor refrigerator!

Christmas morning I spent a few hours with the grandkids, opening presents and such, and then loaded up the car. I asked my wife one last time if she minded, and she said, “No, not at all. Don’t worry about it. Go feed those kids, it’s important.” And I kissed her goodbye for what turned out to be our last Christmas together.

Now, I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of a shrewd promoter. And I had been thinking about how I knew many transgender women who have had some measure of success in their lives, and who have transitioned and maintained jobs and some security in their lives. But many of these same otherwise successful women have been separated and estranged from their families, and here it is Christmas, and no matter what religious affiliation you may have, there is something about Christmas that makes it probably the single most important family day there is, the worst possible day to be alone, and here we are, fairly successful, mature, transgender women—and we have no where to go; no one to spend Christmas with.

Do you remember earlier I talked about ‘social comfort zones’; ‘expanding social circles’? Well, I decided to do some expanding. I invited my successful friends to come join me Christmas and meet and have dinner with the kids at the homeless shelter. I figured that this encounter would put a real face on the homeless transgender crisis, and the kids would get a chance to see that there CAN be a life for them other than prostitution and living on the streets. It was a pretty awesome sight! Transwomen, some 30 and even 40 years older than the kids, were sitting and talking with the kids, sharing their stories, their hopes and dreams. They talked about school, jobs, sex, hormones, partners, friends, families, and just about everything else you can think of. What we all had in common in our lives far outweighed any social or generational differences, and if just one of those kids set the bar a little higher for themselves that night, then the experiment was a success.

And so, the coming out party is over. Where do we go from here? Well, it seems we could certainly use a makeover—a public perception makeover. Right now in this country, laws are being passed that give us certain protections, and anti-discrimination laws are being adopted locally and statewide. But laws alone certainly do not change how we are seen and thought of by the public. And how do we change these perceptions? That will be up to us, you, me, and all transgender people everywhere. Because like it or not, be it right or wrong, we are judged everyday, in everything we do, and how we live our lives from this moment on:
How we live
How we love
How we help
How we give
How we nurture
These are the things that will change our neighbor’s hearts and minds and lead to the acceptance we all long for.

We must watch each others back and lift each other up Because if we don’t help each other, no one else will. And I really don’t want to make any more trips to the morgue.

It’s up to us.

“Go feed those kids; it’s important”


December 12, 2009:  Juli Owens First Event 2008 Keynote: “Choices”
An update on Juli…..
Juli was one of our most dynamic and beloved keynotes.   Her messaged challenged many of us to live beyond ourselves and to accept ourselves.  Since being our FE08 Keynote, Juli and her partner Barbara, who is fully supportive of Juli, met with New York Governor David Patterson in April 2009.  Juli is now a Board member of the NY State Pride Agenda, a statewide LGBT organization that is fighting for LGBT rights, and the Board members were invited to the Executive Mansion.  Juli was the 2009 Grand Marshall of the Long Island Pride Parade in  June and Juli also received the Long Island Outlook Magazine’s 2009 Activist of the Year Award last January.  Finally, Juli and her partner Barbara will be joining us all for First Event 2010 to present a workshop on “Living a Dual Gendered Life”.

Her keynote from FE08….
Thank you for that wonderful intro…..

Ok, I’d like everyone to stand up if you can.  Hit it Mr. DJ.  Let’s get everyone moving and get the blood flowing.  Shake your booty or at least rattle your jewelry!

OK, whoever needs a drink…go now.  I’ll start slow so you can catch up!

Hi my name is Juli Owens, and I’m thrilled to give this year’s Keynote Address. I’m still amazed that they would willingly give a  NY Trans woman a microphone….

Anyway, when I asked what they wanted me to speak about they said “Juli, talk about anything you like, just don’t talk about the “3 G’s”.  “The 3 G’s?” I said.  They said “Yes: Guns, Gays and God”.  Well in the spirit of always doing what I ‘m told, I promise I won’t talk about Guns….

There are a few pieces of business  must attend to before I start:

The following views of this Keynote address are solely the responsibility of Juli Owens and are not necessarily the view point of the Tiffany Club of New England, the Peabody Marriot or the State of Massachusetts.

Additionally, the ASPCA will be monitoring this speech.  No Trans people will be harmed in the delivery of this address.

OK, so who the Hell is Juli Owens, and why should you sit and listen to me for 20 minutes?

In short, I am a Bi-Gendered Trans Woman, who has been able to successfully juggle a career in the straight world, activism in the Trans Community on Long Island and in NY State, and still be a loving father and husband at home.  I like to explain that my life is like a surfer on a surfboard.  For most people it takes their full concentration to stay on the board and continually make adjustments.  Well, for me, I have my left foot on one surfboard, and my right foot on another.  And the surfboards don’t always go in the same direction!

The lifestyle I’ve chosen is the right one for me, because I’m an experiences “Junkie”.  And I’ve been able to take my “Juli” life and make it extremely exciting, challenging, enjoyable, and most importantly, worthwhile.  In a very small way, I know that what I do makes a difference for the Transgender Community.

I plan to talk on a variety of issues, but my main topic is what I’ve entitled “Choices”.

Choice is defined as the act or opportunity of choosing.  It implies the right, the privilege, or the power of choosing freely. I believe that as Transgendered people, we do not take the opportunity and do not realize that we have the ability or the power to make choices.  Many times we avoid choices altogether or make wrong choices because of fear, lack of knowledge, and a severe lack of confidence.  As Keith Ellis, a motivational speaker says:

Like the elephant, we are unconscious of our own strength. When it comes to understanding the power we have to make a difference in our own lives, we might as well be asleep. If you want to make your dreams come true, wake up. Wake up to your own strength. Wake up to the role you play in your own destiny. Wake up to the power you have to choose what you think, do, and say.

Tonight I would like to focus on Choices that are divided into the following groups

  • our mind and our own mental health
  • Our physical bodies
  • our Family
  • our Careers
  • our Spirituality
  • our commitment to our Community
  • our search for happiness and our own personal truths

Although these are 7 distinct topics, as we proceed, you’ll begin to see how they end up relating to each other.

To begin with, I’d like to read the following quote from Buddha:

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

How many of us know Transgender friends who suffer from shame, remorse, anger or embarrassment because they are Transgendered?  In fact, how many of us in this room are holding those feelings inside themselves tonight?  It’s very normal to have these feelings because for the most part, we have no support system to tell us that we’re ok, that it is acceptable to be Trans. Think back to when you first started to “self” recognize that you were different, some of us as early as 3, 4, or 5 years old.  Think about the fact that you seemed to feel things or see things differently than those family members around you.  As children we saw separate, clear cut gender presentations like our father and our mother, our brothers and our sisters, our aunt and our uncle.  By the way, I call these people “Gender Straight”.  It has nothing to do with their sexual orientation; it has everything to do with their Gender presentation and expression.  During childhood it was rare to find a relative or family friend that exemplified that strange middle ground of gender variation.  As you grew, you probably found few, if any, role models to be like.

As adults we’re faced with the fact that our government rarely takes steps to protect us, and since the world is 97% “Gender Straight”, we’re looked at as strange, sick and in some cases “sub-human”.  Pop culture, most specifically in movies and TV shows, either show us as evil or insane.  We are treated as a throwaway people.  How could we expect to feel anything but “wrong”?

When I was a child, I was aware of the funny feelings I had inside, but I had no evidence that there were any others like me.  I felt that I was God’s mistake.  Hey, we could all cut God some slack if he made one mistake right?  I mean, after all his work of creating earth, the stars, day, night, and so on, shouldn’t we be willing to cut him a little slack and allow him one mistake…you know after all the good stuff he’d done?  So I think we’d all agree let’s give God a break and let him make one mistake…and we’ll call her Juli…

Well, as a teenager, I became aware of Christine Jorgenson and as time went on I learned about other people with what we now call gender variation.  That made me think “Hold on a second…you know one mistake is ok, but how many other mistakes are walking around out there.  It didn’t take a genius to finally realize,”Wait a minute…there is definitely a quality control problem going on up in Heaven if that many people are mistakes…”

So I began to wonder, could it be that we are not mistakes at all?  Could it be that the man-made society created rules, traditions and mores that are actually the mistakes?  Which by the way finally takes God off the hook!

Could it be that we are just as much God’s miracle as any other person who has walked this earth?  And if that’s true, then we belong here just as much as anyone else.  We have the right to the pursuit of happiness, and as Americans we should have the freedom to live the life we want to live.

I’ve been extremely lucky in my life.  I’ve had success in my childhood, success in my adolescence, and success in the adult “Gender Straight” world.  This has allowed me to take those positive expectations and carry them with me into the Transgender Life that I live.  If treating me like crap is not acceptable in the straight world, why is it ok to do it to me when I am living as openly Trans?  And more importantly, if I stand up to bullies in my “straight life, why shouldn’t I stand up to bullies as a Trans person?

So what I’m getting at is this:  If you are carrying guilt, remorse, shame or embarrassment – get rid of it.  You don’t deserve it, don’t own it, let it be somebody else’s problem!

Statistically speaking transgender people represent maybe 2-3% of the world’s population.  Be proud of the fact that you are special.  In other cultures and in other times of human existence, we were the Shaman of the tribes…those two spirit people who were healers, gurus and magicians.  Shamanistic traditions have existed throughout the world since prehistoric times. Those tribal people believed that Shamans had the ability to diagnose and cure human suffering, control the weather, and interpret dreams and omens.  The Shaman were an honored people, due to the fact that they had something different than the rest of the members of the tribe.

But our Modern world cannot fathom what it means to be Transgendered.  Think about this, the most masculine woman and the most feminine man will never understand our view of the world.  We are a distinct variation in God’s plan for this world, and our diversity is as natural as anything found in nature.

So when we talk about our minds and our mental health, I’m talking about choosing to be special, choosing to be happy, choosing to create a life filled with mystery, excitement, and challenge.  Our life should be everything that a “Gender Straight” person has to look forward to and more.

I choose to live my life this way.  With as few regrets as possible, and as much control over my life as a human being can have.  I don’t take myself too seriously, and I am constantly laughing at the stupid things I do or the crazy situations I get myself into.

Let me give you an example:

I wasn’t always this open, this confident of who I am.  In fact, First Event will always have a special place in my heart because over the past 5 years I have grown directly because of this conference.  Let me take you back to 2003, when I attended my first, First Event.  I had been out dressing as Juli since the middle Seventies, but for the most part it was always at night or usually to visit a gay club.  Now that I had arrived, by attending my first conference, I decided I should go window shopping.  Not purchase anything, just look around, breathe fresh air and bask in the daylight hours.  And since my favorite store is Kohl’s, it was great that a Kohl’s store just happened to be literally a mile or 2 away from the hotel.  I did not plan on purchasing anything, I was just going there to walk around and look.

Now, at the time there were 5 Kohl’s stores on Long Island and I had had been to each and every one.  This was specifically true at that immediate time because I had just bought a woman’s Denim suit for my wife.  It turned out the jacket fit fine, but the pants were the wrong size.  I visited every Kohl’s on Long Island with no luck.  Since I had bought the suit as a gift, I really wanted to find the pants in the correct size, but it looked impossible.

So off I went to the local Woburn Kohl’s where I was just going to window shop.  And guess what I find while shopping, that’s right, the exact size and color of the pants my wife needed to complete the set.  In fact, there were 5 pairs of the right size and color!!!!  I knew I couldn’t leave without getting those pants, so I decided that I would go up to the register, act extremely distant and hand the cashier my credit card without saying anything which might give me away.  So there I was in line pants in one hand, credit card in the other.  4 shoppers in front of me, now 3, then 2, finally 1.  I know I can do this..just stay cool, hand her the pants, hand her the credit card, and don’t say anything!

It’s time, I’m up, as the nervousness begins to spill all over my insides.  I hand her the pants, my credit card, and then she turns to me and says “What’s your Zip Code?”  I panic and the voice that comes out says “11725”, in the deepest voice I have ever had.  The eight women behind me in line practically break their necks in unison to see the woman with the Darth Vader voice.  I get my bag and sulk out of the store, certain that I will be a major topic at least 9 dinner tables that night.

But the story doesn’t end there.  Realizing that I have some deficiencies in my presentation, I decide to start voice lessons.  And for the next year I work on getting my voice to sound at least a little more feminine.  I was going to be prepared the next time I shop at that Kohl’s!  About a week before the 2004 First Event I decide to apply for a Kohl’s credit card.  When they sign you up, they give you a register receipt with a bar code on it so that you can charge your purchases even though you don’t actually have the real credit card.  So now I’m really ready.  I have the voice, and now I’ve even got access to my own Kohl’s account.  I am ready!

You know, it’s amazing how much difference a year makes.  I shop for about an hour confidently striding throughout the store, grabbing this and that.  I am now a woman of the world, I’ve got a fem voice and a Kohl’s account!

I go right up to the first open register confident that this transaction will go as smooth as silk.  With my new presentation and feminine voice, she’ll think I’m a real woman.  Boy, how great do I feel today!  I lay my purchases on the counter, smile and hand her my paper receipt credit card.  She smiles back and says “May I see your drivers license?”

As all the bravado and confidence pour out of me, I reach into my pocketbook and hand her my drivers’ license…with my male picture!  Her facial expression changes as she realizes I’m not what she thought I was.  I sulk out again, 2 shades of red.

The good news is, I now have a real Kohl’s credit card and my license now has a picture of Juli on it.  I regularly shop at Kohl’s , but I’ll never forget the infamous Woburn Kohl’s!

You need to choose to live your life without regret or shame, but rather with pride and joy.  And don’t take everything so seriously…

I have learned that being transgendered is a lot like riding a train that runs from point A to point B.  For some of us, we will get off at the first stop, find happiness and stay at that first stop.  However, some people may decide to get back on and take the train to the 2nd stop.  Or they may decide to skip the 2nd stop and go directly to the 3rd stop or even ride the train all the way to the end of the line.  The important point that I want to make is that everyone who is a rider on the “Trans Train” has the right to decide their own destination.  And no destination or stop along the line is better or more important over another.  Additionally, no destination is final until we die.  Everyone’s journey takes a route that is right for that person, and that person alone.

It has been my experience to see friends change over time.  This is especially true with my Transgender friends.  I have seen some, but not all, Transvestites become cross dressers.   I have seen some cross dressers, not all, become bi-gendered.  And I have seen some, not all, bi-gendered people become Transsexuals. Or not.

I guess there are several points I’m making:

  1. To all Trans people in the audience: There is no right way to be Trans.  And don’t let anyone tell you there is.  Do your own thing.  Do not get locked into some competitive thing where you feel you most go directly to surgery.  Make the most important choice of all.  Establish who you are, before you decide what you need.
  2. To any friends and family who are in tonight’s audience:  Please do not assume just because your loved one is transgendered, that it automatically means surgery and a complete life change.  Many of us do not need surgery, do not want surgery and will never have surgery.  We will however always live an exciting life….
  3. To everyone in the audience: All members of the Transgender Community are equal.  For example, Transsexuals are not superior to Cross dressers, Trans woman are not more special than Trans men.  Just because you have breasts or because you don’t have breasts, doesn’t give you a special badge of importance.  What does give you a special badge is how you treat the members of our community, and that is with respect and love.  And the sooner we all learn this lesson, the better everyone’s life will be.

If developing a positive and healthy mindset is first in importance, then for Transgender people, having their body match their mind is the next hurdle.  And again there are choices to be made.  I want to strongly point out that this is a very personal and individual decision.  There is no universal correct answer.  Please spend long nights fully contemplating what you need in order to live a happy and productive life.  You will need to perform a self diagnostic test on a somewhat regular basis to discover changes you may be going through as you age.

It is probably easiest if I describe to you the choices I have made for myself, but please understand these are my thoughts, my reasons, and my body.  Your mileage may vary….

At this point in my life, the only changes I have made to my body is that I have had electrolysis on my face.  I have thought long and hard about hormones, facial feminization, and reassignment surgery.  I have tried to come face to face and determine to what degree of gender dysphoria I have within me.  I do a regularly scheduled mental self check ups to determine if my ideas and needs have changed in any way.   I have aggressively tried to determine what I need to remain happy and fulfilled in my life.

I have not taken hormones, because I am concerned with their long term effect on my health as well as other issues I might encounter.  Along with the wonderful effects on your body that hormones will provide, there are physical, mental and social issues that you must be mindful of.

Hormones are not something you should experiment with.  The internet, black market, and even over the counter plant estrogen drugs make it easy to begin a do-it-yourself project.  However, if you determine that you need the effects of hormones, you should be under a physician’s care to make sure your health is not seriously affected.  I am not a doctor, but when I did some research on the topic I came up with the following potential for side effects of Estrogen therapy:

  • The potential for Blood clots to form.
  • The potential for Tumors to form on your pituitary gland
  • The potential for liver functions to be affected
  • The potential for osteoporosis
  • The potential for Depressive Mood Changes
  • The potential for Higher levels of Cholesterol and Triglycerides
  • The potential for Higher levels of potassium in the blood
  • Additionally it’s been found that men who receive large estrogen doses as part of the treatment for prostate cancer are at a greater risk for heart attack and phlebitis.
  • And then there is always the possibility of Chemical Castration…the loss of your secret powers.

I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting that hormones should not be taken.  I am suggesting that if you determine that you need to have hormone therapy, that you do it the proper way under the guidance of a knowledgeable physician.  I am suggesting that you make an intelligent choice.

From a social issue stand point, since I still lead a male’s life at work, the development of breasts could get embarrassing for work physicals and especially during the summer wearing cotton golf shirts….

And probably the most important issue for me, is that I have a very heterosexual and gender straight wife who would be severely taxed if I began to grow breasts.  It would absolutely affect our relationship.

Although I’ve toyed with the idea of feminizing my nose, I’m still too concerned about the fallout effect that change could have at work as well as at home.

And finally, in regard to reassignment surgery, I have been blessed in that when I am standing naked in front of a mirror, instead of feeling hatred for my body, I only feel love.  I am comfortable in the plumbing I received at birth.  I know there are many Trans people who hate the sight of their own body and I ache for their pain and suffering.  I pray that all Trans people will someday be able to have the surgery they need as long… as they truly need it.

These are choices that I make freely and without hesitation.  You need to decide for yourself what it is that you need.  And then you need the strength and resolution to stick with it, no matter what others say you should or shouldn’t do.

If we consider the need to be who we are both in body and spirit, then the next issue of importance would be the need for the support of your family.  That is to keep the relationship you have while developing an open honesty of who you are.

If you are married, you are probably dealing with some issues related to being Trans.  It could be something as simple as arguing over who gets to wear the red blouse tonight, or something as serious as deciding whether to tell your wife, husband, or child about who you are.  Again, you need to make the right decisions for you.  I will however tell you of my experiences.

My wife and I were childhood sweethearts.  We met at 14 years of age, started going out at 16, and I told her my secret truth when we were 20.  I have never regretted telling her. We continue to struggle with my Trans-ness, but she has always been supportive of my life.  She has always been my best friend, and she has always been there for me.

I have a 19 year old daughter who we told when she was 13.  Because my wife and I handled it in a truthful open way, she is extremely supportive.  Last summer, on Pride Sunday, at the Pride Service of the local Unitarian church, she spoke to the congregation of what it was like having a Transgender Dad, while I spoke about what its like to be a Trans Dad.  She then marched in the parade with me.  I can’t tell you how proud I am of her.

I think is the most important message I can tell you is that truth has power.  When you finally accept who you are, you probably need to be as truthful as you can with those you love.  But again you need to make the call.  You understand your situation best, so you can best determine what will work.  Just realize that openness comes with dangers but also with wonderful benefits.

It might surprise you that I am probably less enthusiastic about coming out in your workplace.  This unfortunately is where we have to face the hard cold facts.  We all know about the current status of the ENDA bill.  The Employment Nondiscrimination Act would have certainly  had a significant impact on our futures if it retained the Gender Identity and Expression portion of the bill and was passed.  But unfortunately the bill in its current form doesn’t contain the Gender language, and the bill won’t be signed into law anytime soon anyway.

So where does that leave us?  Although the number of companies that include gender expression in the Human Resources policies is growing, it is still a very small number when compared to the total number of businesses that don’t have the proper protections in their policies.

I believe that money is power.  I believe that Trans people need to keep their jobs.  I believe that the world doesn’t need one more unemployed Trans person.  I believe that even if we are fortunate enough to have State level protection (and by the way, we don’t have it in NY), uninformed companies will still act in a threatening and menacing way.  Although more and more unions are awakening to the need for Gender protection, the bulk of the unions are still oblivious to that need. As a result, I believe that it is imperative to keep your job and hide your trans-ness as much as possible.

In my situation, I work in my career as a man.  Every time I do Transgender advocacy work, I take a chance to be discovered.  But I also have made myself as indispensable as possible, so that even if I was outed, it would probably be a “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” relationship. And I have made up my mind, that if I were to be outed, I would handle it with strength and grace.  The last thing that I would do would be to show embarrassment or remorse.  I will walk into the meeting with pride and my head held high.

I find the following quote by Immanuel Kant, an 18th century German philosopher to be quite meaningful:

“The human heart refuses to believe in a universe without purpose.”

I’m sure that many of you may be like me.  As a child, you were forced into a religious background that was without deep meaning, and ultimately left that religion feeling uninspired.  Later as an adult, if you had a family, you might have even joined another church so that your children would have some religious training.  But the commitment, the actual belief was probably somewhat superficial.

I’m going to again reminisce about my first, First Event.  Feeling a little lost spiritually, I attended the Sunday morning service with Reverend Sarah Carpenter Vascik.  That simple service had a major impact on me.  It was the first time I had celebrated a religious service as Juli, and I probably felt the most inspired than I had up to that point in my life.  It made me aware that I needed to find a religion that would accept me as Juli, support  me, and allow me to grow spiritually.

In 2005, we restarted up the Transgender Day of Remembrance Memorial service, and we decided to hold it at a Unitarian church in Huntington New York.  I was asked to speak at a Sunday Service in order to help explain to the church’s congregation what it means to be Transgendered.  The experience turned out to be extremely positive for both the congregation and for me personally.  I was impressed with their enthusiasm to learn about Trans life, and I was touched by their warm welcome.  I began to attend service regularly, and I am proud to tell you that I am a full blown, card carrying Unitarian Universalist today.

I have friends who have also become Unitarian Universalists in other cities in the U.S., and their experiences are similar to mine.  I also have two friends who are Transsexual women who went to Canada and got married.  They are Catholics, and they are also very supported at their church.  The key is to find an Open and Accepting Church or congregation.

My point here is very simple.  You need to experience religion as an open trans person.  It will be a different and stronger experience than you have ever had.  Going to church on a regular basis accomplishes many things:

  1. On a personal level, you get the benefits of a spiritual life.  I know that after one of my crazy weeks, it’s wonderful to have an hour to spend doing a little soul reorganizing, you know cleaning up my personal hard drive….
  2. The congregation of the church you attend is now forced to deal with a Trans person, face to face.  Ultimately they are forced to realize that we are people just like them.
  3. The congregation is forced to “walk the walk”.  And they have to do it in an environment which says “Love thy brother and sister” .  This is exactly what the Transgender Community needs to accomplish in order for us to gain the acceptance we so badly need.  I can tell you from personal experience that when I spoke in front of the Suffolk County Legislature, it wasn’t my impressive speech  which made an impact, it was my choice of bringing along my pastor to also speak to them.  Whereas, I was just this strange man in a woman’s business suit, my Pastor was an upstanding citizen protecting one of his own.  And that made a monumental difference in how the Legislature perceived our issues.

Please try to get to a church, whatever religion you choose.  I hope that you will find the peace and contentment I have found in my path to spirituality.

A quote by Gandhi:

“To deprive a man of his natural liberty and to deny to him the ordinary amenities of life is worse then starving the body; it is starvation of the soul, the dweller in the body.”

Commitment to our Community is my favorite topic, but one that is usually tuned out by most of the Trans people I know.  Usually they are too busy trying to figure out who they are on a personal level to give much thought to where the Transgender Community is at this point.  Ladies and Gentlemen, the truth isn’t pretty:

  • Only thirteen states, the District of Columbia and 80+ cities and counties across the country have passed explicitly transgender-inclusive anti-discrimination laws. These laws currently cover only one-third of the US population.
  • National statistics are just as sobering. It’s estimated that transgender men and women are 16 times more likely to be murdered than the average person in the United States.
  • The Transgender Community face a 70 percent unemployment rate, compared with 4 percent in the general population, according to the San Francisco Human Rights Commission.

Studies show the following factors as contributing to the heightened risk of poverty and homelessness in the transgender community:

  • Employment discrimination.
  • Lack of economic/housing support from family.
  • Lack of education and training because of harassment or discrimination, which results in an inability to acquire jobs.
  • Inability to access standard healthcare due to discrimination by providers and other barriers.
  • Unwillingness of insurance companies to cover almost all transgender related health care.
  • Inability to pay for transgender-related healthcare such as hormones, counseling, and gender reassignment procedures.
  • Discrimination by housing providers, landlords, etc.
  • Discrimination by social service agencies.

The startling thing about this is that these aren’t statistics from some undeveloped country in Africa or Central America,  we’re talking about our country, the United States of America.  How can any of us sit back and allow our community, our brothers and sisters to suffer like this?  Better yet, how can we allow them to treat you and me with such disrespect and disdain?

So where do we begin?  How do we change the situation we’re in?

In my opinion, we are in for some trench warfare, some hand to hand combat in order to change the world we live in.  This is not something which magically will change over night.

In order to create the change that’s needed, each of us has to do more to help the cause than we did last year.  If you are an activist like me, you have to become more organized, gain more members to help with the fight, and continue to gain acceptance in the Gender Straight world.  But I realize that not everyone has the ability or the personal situation to allow them to actively and openly advocate for our community.  That however doesn’t get you off the hook.  We need you to:

  1. Get out more often in your chosen gender.  Don’t stay closeted.  If you feel you can’t be out in your home town, travel to a local city, get out and be seen.  Vacation in other regions of the country.  Get out and shop!  Go to the bank, go to the cleaners…Just get out and be the person you were meant to be.  As Lacey Leigh suggests in her books, if you want to be sure of whether the business is Trans-friendly, simply look for the special symbol on their door…”Master Card and Visa”.  And please remember that when you are out, you are representing a community of people that need significant and serious representation.  Do not bring out your best “Brittney Spears” outfit.  Dress respectfully and appropriately.  But by getting out you take us out in the open air where we can be seen.
  2. Send a check to a Transgender Rights group.  They can be the national groups like NCTE, or NTAC, or a statewide group.  We need money to keep up the fight.  If you don’t have money, donate postage stamps, business envelopes, or copy paper so that we can do mailings.
  3. Write your state or Congressional Representatives, regularly.  They usually do not receive a lot of mail from constituents, so your letters will stand out.
  4. Vote!
  5. Attend gay social functions.  Gay groups require money and most social functions are fundraisers.  When they see trans people openly supporting their causes, they are more likely to support our causes.    I need to take a moment and speak about something which we probably don’t want to talk about.  That is homophobia in the Transgender Community.  Since our issue is one of gender, not of who you love, we may be frightened or unwilling to work with the gay community.  You need to get rid of those feelings in a hurry.  It is my belief that the Transgender Community needs the support of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals.  We cannot isolate ourselves from the LGB communities and expect to see progress in attaining our rights. They have the numbers, the money, and the contacts to help us get what we want.  So be prepared to work with and around gays if we are going to have any hope for our rights.
  6. Finally, if you see of or experience anything which affects the rights of Trans people, speak out, act up!

I’d like to do a little training session with your help now.  I’m going to give you 3 tools to help you make sure your rights are not diminished.  Let’s say that you are out with some friends and you are dressed in your chosen gender.  You decide to go to a restaurant.  The Maitre’D smirks a little when he sees you and puts you at a table far in the back, right by the kitchen door.  There are obviously open tables elsewhere, but its apparent that he’s decided to hide you.

What do you do?  One thought is to be thankful that he allowed you in the restaurant and besides, you heard that they had really good food here.  The other is to say,

“I’m sorry, this is not acceptable.”

Notice the polite refrain, the gentle persuasion that he needs to re-think what he’s doing.

Now I’d like you to try it.  Ok, everybody together:

“I’m sorry, this is not acceptable”

Now let’s say that instead of the table next to the kitchen door, he tells you he has a table in the kitchen.  Your refrain will change slightly:

“No, this is not acceptable”

Notice the firm, yet still polite response.  Ok, everybody together:

“No, this is not acceptable”

Now let’s say that instead of the table in the kitchen, he simply refuses to serve you.  Your response should be:

“No, this is wrong”

Notice the clipped, direct, point that you are making.  Ok, everybody together:

“No, this is wrong”

Unfortunately, if you do not protect yourself, most likely no  one else will.  So please consider using these tools when necessary. Choose to make a difference in the future of our community.  Be a part of the change that must be accomplished.  As Gandhi said:

“A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history.

This brings me to my final topic, our search for happiness and our own personal truths.  For me, being challenged, laughing at the crazy predicaments that I sometimes find myself in, and truly loving what I do in my career, in my marriage, and in my activist life are the keys to my happiness.  Being bi-gendered, l live 2 lives that would, by themselves, keep most people busy.  But I feel I’m up to the challenge.

I hope you will take the time to determine what will make you happy in this life.  But don’t expect someone else to do it for you.  It’s your choices that will make all the difference in the world.

My last quote is from an unknown author:

“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance.

Good night and thank you