Grace Stevens is enjoying every day and every step of her journey and can be reached at gas333@verizon.net and would love to hear your comments. Grace is presently the vice chair of TCNE’s Board of Directors.
January 11, 2010 – Living In Balance
Charles Dickens began the classic, A Tale of Two Cities as follows;
“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.”
Sometimes I wonder if Mr. Dickens was trans! I cannot remember how many times on my own transgender journey I have spoken these famous lines. I would not be surprised if you too, can remember the times that you may have expressed these feelings.
For everyone in general and perhaps even more so, for all of us who are trangender, life often presents the challenges to find the proper balance between the best of times and the worst of times. Here, for First Event 2010, on the Thirtieth Anniversary of The Tiffany Club of New England, we are hoping to provide resources, tools, and friends that will help everyone on their personal journeys to not only find balance in their lives but also acquire the tools so that they can continue to live a life in balance.
We need to balance our innermost feelings and authenticity with our families, our jobs, our faith, and our place in society. We at TCNE have always stated that “You Are Not Alone”, and here at First Event, this becomes very clear.
Whether you spend 5 hours or 5 days at First Event, your experience here may well be considered under “the best of times”. This is as it should be! However, when you return home, we hope that you will acquire some new learnings, skills, and friends so that you can balance what may look like “the worst of times” for you.
The artwork on the cover is intended as a reminder that all of life must be in balance. In Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) a person who is out of balance will suffer with ailments and symptoms that will that will need treatments to re-balance their energy flow. Male and Female – light and dark – yin and yan must be in balance to ensure good health. Wherever your journey takes you, please remember that Living in Balance is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and for all the people that are important to you.
My wish for you is to find exactly what you need to live a life in balance here at First Event 2010.
Grace Stevens, Vice Chair, TCNE (January 2010)
January 4, 2010 – The “I”s have it
Hello everyone, and welcome to my little corner of Rosebuds!
Who am I?
Who are you?
Well, if you are anything like me, I would hazard a bet that these simple questions are really not so simple to answer! In fact, I sometimes go into a small panic when I have to come up with an answer. It seems like when I have to answer; I am ______, there are so many possible responses that I often freeze!
As I am traveling on my TG journey I have started to think a lot about identity. After all, now that I have a “diagnosis” of Gender Identity Disorder (I’ll save my thoughts on this for another column), what other “identities do I have and hopefully they are in “order”!
So, I started making a list of what I will call categories of identity and possible ways one could identify within the categories. Perhaps you may be able to add to the following list.
- Career/Job: what do I do for a living e.g. doctor, lawyer, truck driver, unemployed, etc.
- Familial: Father, Mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, etc.
- Racial: White, black, Asian, Indian, etc
- Sexual orientation: Gay, straight, bi……
- Gender orientation: M, F, TG, TS, CD……
- Religion: Christian (many choices here), Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, agnostic…..
- Political views: Republican, Democrat, Conservative, Liberal, Socialist, communist….
I am sure this list can go on and on. No wonder I struggle with how to answer the question “who am I.” My identity/s come from what looks like the classic Chinese restaurant menu – choose something from each of the columns. I wonder how many of you may also struggle with your identity/s.
Being transgender is only one part of me. Yes it is an important part, but when I look at the lists above I really do not believe that any part is unimportant. I am learning that I need to accept each these parts, each of these identities because as it turns out the “I” who defines me, is not a singular concept, but actually one of a collection of different parts, different aspects of me. They are all me, and “I” am the sum total of each of them. When “I” make a choice, a decision, it is usually best if each of the parts have had a say in it. In this way, they vote, and one can say, the “I”s have it.
When I first came to Tiffany club, a number of people asked me how I identify. I really did not understand the question. What they wanted to know was how I identified in the gender spectrum, was I CD, TG, TS, etc. My first response was that I did not know. For many of us, this is a typical first response as we do not really know how to deal with the feelings inside of us. For me, finding out that I am truly not alone, and by being with others “like me” at TCNE I have been able to explore where I sit in the gender spectrum and come to acceptance of my Identity/s. If you struggle with this too, perhaps TCNE can help you help yourself too.
I think I’ll just close this with a small personal ad:
SWTS looking for friends. Meet me at TCNE Tuesdays or Saturdays.
November 9, 2009 – Popeye
A few weeks ago, Paula mentioned to me that she was babysitting for her grandson and had a wonderful time watching Popeye cartoons with him. When Paula told her grandson that she had seen all these cartoons many, many years ago, he was surprised and astounded.
It started to make me think about how long it has taken me to appreciate the life lessons that Popeye has been teaching for decades. No, I did not run out and buy those handy cans of spinach that Popeye always found when he needed instant muscle – although this certainly was a good nutritional life lesson in itself!
…and no, I certainly was not looking to figure out how to emulate those pointy elbows of his – life is hard enough with all those ¾ length sleeves on just about every top and dress I can find.
Do you remember how Popeye was often the character who was different, yet he always was able to voice
“I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam!”
As I can now look back, Popeye was teaching us all, way back then, and even to this day the importance of self acceptance. Way back then, the cartoons were funny and I am not so sure I received the message that lay within.
Self acceptance! Sure, sure, maybe a cartoon character can have this. But for someone who is trans how can Popeye be role model?
I should be strong like Popeye – yes?
I should be able to get myself out of trouble like Popeye — yes?
For me I managed to survive in the world by learning these “skills” of Popeye. I was the man, the leader, strong when needed and cool in a crisis, but it is now pretty apparent that I did not learn all of what Popeye was teaching.
Popeye knew who he was and what his limits and where his boundaries were. He could state, “I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam!” For me it was impossible for me to repeat those words.
Now this skill has taken me years to learn – to come to terms and self acceptance as to who I am as being trans.
Each day now, on my journey it is getting easier to accept that I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam! There is a Zen proverb that states - when the student is ready, the teacher will come. Well Popeye has been teaching for a long, long time. It has taken this student a bit of time before she was ready to learn the lesson – and I am glad that I have!
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Sometimes we need more role models in our lives to get to the point of self acceptance. There are many good role models at Tiffany Club to help you on your journeys. You are welcome to join us as we will always tell you that you are not alone.
September 27, 2009 – Omens
Hello everyone, and welcome to my little corner of Rosebuds!
Have you ever read the small book The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho? It is a story about a shepherd boy who learns to follow the omens that are presented in various forms in order to find and discover his life’s treasures. Ever since I have read this I try very hard to pay attention to the omens that are presented to be to provide guidance for my own journey.
Last month I was reading a few books* (..and I am not sure about this habit of simultaneous book reading!), when – lo and behold the same poem appeared in both books!. The universe was clearly sending me a message! I will share this message with you –
Love after Love
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
-Derek Walcott-
If your response is anywhere close to mine these words may have let you enter a deep point of reflection of self acceptance. (By the way, don’t forget to breathe!)
What a concept – welcome your self……….and feast on your life!!! Now these are true treasures!
In Cheryl Richardson’s book The Unmistakable Touch of Grace (and yes, I did borrow from her for the title of these columns), she states that “Grace” – the omens are all around us. It is up to each of us to recognize them and take action to use them. I am still learning to accept this, and the more I do, the more treasures appear for me on my journey.
If you are reading this, perhaps it is too an omen for you.
Do you welcome your self?
Do you feast on your life?
Is it time to do so?
We welcome you to join us at TCNE where we are each learning to find our treasures with love, acceptance and support for ourselves and others.
(Oh yes, Love After Love appeared at the beginning of The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, and appears in John Bradshaw’s new book Reclaiming Virtue.)
September 21, 2009 – Our Journeys
Hello everyone, and welcome to my little corner of Rosebuds! I am looking forward to sharing some of my thoughts and ideas about both the challenges and the rewards of undertaking each of our journeys to accept and express our authentic selves.
On our journeys, we will enjoy gains and we will suffer losses. We will meet people along the way who may stay for a moment or may become long time companions. Our lives become intertwined with others and hopefully as we travel along our journey we cause no harm to ourselves or others.
Some of you may have heard of Joseph Campbell and his famous statement to “Follow Your Bliss.” He explains that your bliss is being authentic, and that when one is authentic the world will provide for the authentic person. More likely than not, you either are or have been searching for a way to help you find and express your authentic self. The Tiffany Club is a place where if you have any feeling of gender variance of any sort, you can come, talk, meet people, and freely express yourself. Most important is that it is a place where you can come to grow, and in a safe environment, help you find your bliss!
There is another famous saying that I personally subscribe to:
Life is a journey, not a destination!
I interpret this to mean, that we, of course, need goals and direction. However, we learn and grow from each step that we take on the journey. It is the process of traveling that is most important! Reaching the destination is the result and culmination of all the efforts made on the journey…and the starting point for the next journey.
Now sometimes it is hard to get to the starting point. For me, I have kept my own gender issues hidden for over 50 years. A little over 1 year ago, I took a giant step as I called and visited Tiffany Club. I was so afraid to take that first step. Now I am so glad that I did. Do I know where I am headed? Not exactly! However I do know that I am not alone and there are many people on their journeys. It has been helpful to meet, and share our stories. It has been helpful to take baby steps when the time was right to learn and grow. I have been able to share the successes and trials of others as they also share mine.
Are you ready to start your journey? Let me share a poem by Mary Oliver with you: (Find a quiet spot)
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~
Are you ready to recognize the voice that is your own?
Are you ready to take the next step on your journey?
Are you ready to save the only life you can save?
My wish for each of you is that you can find the answer to these questions to be in the affirmative. The Tiffany Club would be honored to be able to support you on your journey. I hope to see you at the club.
